The New Republican Health Care Bill: Patriot Medical Act

By Sarcasmo Jones

Good news for Americans of all ages and both sexes, affordable health care is just around the corner! Your friends in the Republican Party have introduced the Patriot Medical Act, which will replace the previous unconstitutional piece of putrid legislation, most likely written by Satan himself, known as the Affordable Health Care Act.

Real right wing Christian Americans know only the very richest of Americans deserve the level of health care promised by the Obama administration and their left-wing lapdogs. This is exactly what has gotten America into the position it’s in now: folks buying houses they can’t afford, trying to send poor kids to expensive, accredited universities, and trying to stay healthy above their financial means. You can’t buy good health on credit, and every true American patriot knows that. This multifaceted bill will have America on the road to recovery and on the expressway to unlimited financial gain.

Walk It Off

Hospitals in low-income, urban areas are to replace nurses and admission clerks with high school football coaches. This will reduce the waste of government funds needed to subsidize unprofitable medical institutions. Wounded and sick people will be advised to “walk it off.” Gravely ill or wounded patients will be sent to the coroner’s office to “die it off.”

The Masculine Art of Medicine

It is a proven fact that female doctors are genetically incapable of matching the earning potential of their male counterparts. All female doctors are hereby promoted to the position of “housewife” and are to be sent home without pay. Those female medical professionals who are too old or too liberal for housewife duty will be demoted to “gravely ill” status. It will be the hospital football coach’s grim duty to send these nonconformists to the coroner’s office to “die it off.”

Pray Away the Gay

Homosexuality is an aberration in the eyes of our Lord, unless between a priest and altar boy. Any male aroused by thoughts of another man must report to the closest hospital to walk it off. Attractive female couples will have their encounters filmed and reviewed in order to explore any financial gains that might be made possible by the exploitation of the couple in question. Ugly lesbians will be demoted to “garden gnome” status and sent to the hospital football coach to “walk it off.”

Women’s Reproductive Health Care

The Manly Council of What Women Should Do has determined that the moment of conception starts with the man’s erection. Any action taken by the woman to prevent impregnation is now considered a violation of Federal Law. A special women’s basketball coach will be brought in to advise the unwillingly pregnant to “shut up” and inform her that “you should have been rich, bitch.” Those women whose husbands clear a (pre-tax) $100,000 per year are exempt, with their husband’s permission, of course. Those failing to reach the financial exemption will just have to tough it out.

Too Many Amendments

God himself wrote the Constitution and the liberal left has had the audacity to go back and amend the work of God. The 19th and 26th amendments are hereby repealed. No females or persons under 45 years of age will be allowed to vote. A manila paper test will be given to all eligible voters, if the skin of the aspiring voter is darker than a sheet of manila paper, he must be subjected to a liberal-detector test before being allowed to cast his vote. Those failing the test will be sent to coach to walk it off.

Pee on a Tree

As the cost of sanitation and clean water rises, so does the liberal concern for the environment. Only households whose husbands make at least $100,000 per year (pre-tax) will have access to running water in their residences. All others will be advised to invest in a modest bucket, or will be sent to coach to walk it off.


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